schizophrenia.

Insomnia guided through a colourless reality
Paper sky, paper trees, paper moon, paper seas
I touch them; they crumple and float away
And here I stand lost in an unknown distance
Oblivious to beautiful things being lost in translation
Signs of where I am going never felt more meaningless
Desperate as I am, reality is a mere shipwreck
Surrounded by a flooding sea of emotion, crashing, consuming
A drunken poet could not so much as see this blinding light
It stops before me and leads me on into the morning sun
Sinking slowly into the great divide between restless minds
Imagination calls me and takes me far from here
I close my eyes, I am home again.

gracious.

the gloves are off. the bell has rung out. i'm exhausted, overpowered, beaten. finished.
i will graciously accept my defeat, if you will please hurry to come and collect your prize.



because that's what you are - heartless.

two months.

Two fucking months on and you're still fucking with my head.
I don't know why I give in to you so easily; is it your persuasive charm, your manipulative nature, no, it's the fact that you are exactly like me - my mirror image - and I thrive on that fact. It's not even that you have absolute control over me anymore, it's that you abuse that power and I so unwillingly and helplessly give in to you every fucking time. Why the fuck is it so hard for me to walk away ? I tried, I literally TRIED - it was so out of my power, it's all a blur. And don't tell me "tonight never happened" because the reality of it is yes, it did happen, and it must have happened for a reason other than spontaneousness or impulsive behaviour as you so aptly believe. I know you don't believe in that bullshit so stop feeding it to me. It was so wrong, so fucking wrong, and so incredibly forceful that I cannot even begin to describe the way it made me feel...the way you make me feel. You told me all the previous feelings and reasonings for why we had to "end" still stand, yet you were holding my hand when you said that ? Donnie, I know I mean nothing to you. And I know you rightfully should mean nothing to me. But you do, you mean so fucking much to me and I cannot believe how much you've managed to hurt me, without so much as even a sign of remorse - it seriously surprises me more than it may shock anyone else in the world that I remain powerless in your hands. You effortlessly manipulate me and yes, I sit and take it. Why ? In some devastating hope that I'll one day hold that very control over you. This is a fucking power struggle and I'm tired of it...it is my pure disbelief, regret and somewhat denial that I ever met someone like you.





I just went and did possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life.
And I loved it.

always.

And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always.

apple juice.

Empty juicebox.


I'm not entirely sure how I feel today, my mood swings are unbearable - one minute I'm happy and talking too much and too fast, and the next I'm yelling and withdrawn. I feel like someone is injecting me with speed and I'm on fast forward until I come back down and get slapped with reality.

I had my meeting today, went relatively well. Things are sorted. For now.




I miss one more than I miss the other and I'm sick of being confused, all I want is stability, or at least a fucking answer.

I cannot wait to move out of this house.

my own fairy tale.

Once upon a time, there was a young boy and a young girl and, although they were too young to feel love, they had given their hearts to one another forever more. These hearts were made of glass and were extremely precious. Each held on to the other's heart, and each took special care of these hearts as they could break at any time. These hearts were the sole reason the boy and girl were living; to give each other life and love as long as they both shall live. The boy and the girl were scarcely seen apart and would spend their days together, talking, laughing and watching the sun set, before it was time to go home and retire to bed.

One early morning, as the last snow flakes fell and the air turned icy, the boy and the girl were taking their daily stroll through the fields. The girl was lively and bright and up to her usual dancing, chatting, and laughing; the boy however, was incredibly quiet and withdrawn. The girl noticed the change in the boy and questioned him about it, but he refused to answer. She asked again, as she loved him, and again he refused to answer. Upon her third try, he raised his head and stopped walking.

"Sometimes I want to take a stroll by myself. Sometimes I want to be alone. Sometimes I wish I had never met you."

The girl's cheeks went a bright red, as if she had been slapped viciously in the face. "What do you mean, you wish you had never met me ?"

The boy grew impatient and shuffled his feet about. "Is it not obvious ? If I had never met you, I would have time to myself. I would have time to think. Sometimes I think maybe I do not wish to spend time with you anymore, I do not want to see you..."

The girl's heart dropped at his words. The butterflies she always felt flutter in her stomach when she was around him, seemed so inactive all of a sudden. "This must be a mistake of some kind."

"It is not !" The boy raised his voice and startled the girl. Instead of apologizing for scaring her, as he normally would have, he frowned at her and continued what he was saying. "I know what I want. What you want and what I want are two different things. I do not care to do what you want to do, I do not care to listen to what you have to say any longer. I do not care for you."

The girl's eyes welled up with tears and the boy automatically felt guilty at the sight of a single tear running down her cheek. Yet he did not take his words back.

"Please don't cry."

The girl looked up at him accusingly. "How do you expect me not to cry ? You hold my heart in the palm of my hand. Don't you love me anymore ?"

The boy looked down at the glass heart laying preciously in the small of his fist. "You can have it back now. I do not love you."

The girl burst into tears and stretched her hand out to accept the heart. But the boy was reluctant to give it to her.

"Give me it," she demanded.

The boy said nothing, and remained motionless.

The girl's voice grew louder. "I said give me it !" she yelled. "You have no use for it now. Give me back my heart. You are selfish. You're a selfish, silly boy and I love you."

The boy suddenly grew angered by her words. His face went red with fury, and his bottom lip quivered. Suddenly, without warning, he dropped the girl's heart and let it drop to the ground, where it shattered into a hundred thousand tiny little pieces.

The girl's eyes grew wide as she looked the boy in the face, watching as his eyes grew wide as well. She clutched her chest as she found it difficult to breathe. The boy watched in horror and despair as the girl he had once loved crumpled to the ground and lay there, motionless, next to the hundred thousand pieces of her broken heart.

The boy stared at her body for a little while longer. How could he have committed such an act ? Was he blind to see that he still loved her, and he'd never meant to break her heart ? He allowed the tears to run down his face and on to the girl's body, before deciding he would smash his own heart; the pair of them, laying together, next to their two broken hearts. He searched the girl's purse, her pockets, but his heart was nowhere to be found. The boy was confused; had they not agreed to keep the heart safe and sound at all times ? Was that not the agreement ? Surely she had not left it carelessly laying around for anyone to take - it was his heart, and she had loved him.

The boy walked back into town with tears of guilt and shame streaming down his cheeks. He walked over to the girl's house and decided to search for his heart. He checked the entire house, the cupboards, the tables, the drawers, and soon grew exhausted. He almost fell over from defeat when he realized he had not checked the girl's room. Slowly he opened the door and peered inside.

There, sitting upon a chest of drawers, was a magnificent glass case decorated with blue jewels. There was a note sitting atop the case. The boy walked over and read it.

"I hope you someday read this, when I am ready to show you how much I truly love you. I'm scared. The feelings I feel for you are so profound, so vicious, so overpowering, that I feel almost limited in my attempt to express to you, my love for you. I guarded your heart, so it would never break. Because the last thing I ever want to do is break your heart. I love you."

The boy sobbed and shook as he read this letter. He ran out of the room and out of the house. He kept running and running until he reached where the girl lay. Crouching down beside her, he took in her looks, her scent, her aura one last time, before he lay next to her and died. The boy never had to look in the glass case to know what the girl had guarded in there, so carefully, for her entire life.

His heart.

four.

i feel so fucking empty.

there is not a single fucking morsel of self control within me anymore. I have no idea
where I fit, where I am meant to stand; I once prided myself on my ability
to stand on my own two feet and since I've lost that ability, I've lost my
personal identity. I've lost my ability to distinguish myself from every
other brainless, motionless lump of a human in this world. All that can
identify me now are my tear-soaked tissues and packets upon packets of
medication; boxes, blister packs, tubes. With my names in black block
print on the stickers on the front. Yes, they are mine, all mine.

My heart literally hurts and my mind aches.

I lay at night and cry. Me, the being who once upon a time was
convinced she did not possess tear ducts. Why do I cry ? If I knew
the answer to that I would not be sitting here writing this blog
and pouring my heart out to complete strangers who are killing
their eyesight by sitting too close to the computer, and possible
pedophiles. If I knew what more people wanted from me, or even
what more I have to offer, I'd be more than glad to accommodate
for them. I've even lost my ability to think straight; so often I
just sit there staring at a blank wall with just as blank a mind.
This must be some sort of path of self destruction and instead
of convincing myself to veer off it, that I am stronger and
better than this, as I'm so frequently told I am meant to
do; I mindlessly, selflessly, almost uncontrollably follow
the path. I wish I could spontaneously self combust.

I really hope my psychologist doesn't read this, I'm tired
of therapy and cognitive behavioural theories and
activities and that bullshit. It's obvious that it does
not work for me; I cannot train myself to be calm, at
one with myself.



I am so fucking lonely.

ps.

Natalie and I have decided to write up our own Bible, together.

"and the golden age began on the twenty-sixth day of the second month;
when thy messiah was brought to this earth in a human form;
fathered by satan, nurtured by human flesh,
and ultimately the saviour of the entire universe."

...just for starters.

unclear to me.

Dust. That is all that these ribs have collected over the vast abyss that is my existence - dust. No comforting beating, nor the rush of goosebumps travelling up my spine, nor the fluttering of butterflies buried deep in the pit of my stomach. No startling sensation or shakes of fright, you have left me completely empty. My ribcage feels torn open, swung open as if it were a rusty door and robbed of its contents. There will be no more lying with my head nestled on my pillow, listening to my heart beat echo through my ears, rhythmitically, automatically; I took for granted the sweet sensation of the blood pumping viciously at the sound of your voice, the solid drum-like beat of my heart at the smell of your scent, the goosebumps that felt like electric shooting up my arms at the warmth of your touch. The butterflies have since been silenced, cruelly, unfairly. Their flapping wings have been clipped; trembling, they sit in the hopeless wait to someday feel the need to fly free. They sit in the darkness that encloses them, waiting, waiting ever so patiently for the day that you will return my beating heart to its bony enclosure and make me feel somewhat whole again. Unbeknownst to your intentions, I so quickly let you in, only to find you were nothing but a thief. Did you find you were heartless yourself, so you felt the need to snatch mine from my chest ? Wipe the dust off my ribs, please acknowledge the existence of my tired heart you so callously stole; I've grown weary of this game.

sharp diamonds.

I'm in pain, but I understand the things you're trying to say; so if it's too late and I can't create a way to fix my mistakes, I'll be on my way to another state, I won't stay another day. Just say the word and I'll be on my curb, coz that's all that I deserve. Don't want nobody else but you; won't settle for somebody new. Don't wanna live this life without you. I need you here with me right now.

You ever wanted something so bad that you just can't have ? You ever needed that one thing that's not in your grasp ? It's you that I'm wanting and needing like that, so baby do me this favor and come right on back to me.

On my own, I'm not feeling strong, and I'm gonna stay alone, coz moving on is not what I want; the thought of it feels so wrong. I call your phone, and you're never home and I'm tired of that ring back tone. Just speak to me so I can live the dream of being back in your arms. Don't want nobody else but you; won't settle for somebody new. Don't wanna live this life without you. I need you here with me right now.

You ever wanted something so bad that you just can't have ? You ever needed that one thing that's not in your grasp ? It's you that I'm wanting and needing like that, so baby do me this favor and come right on back to me.

Ever wanted something so bad ? Ever needed something not in your grasp ? It's you that I'm wanting like that, so do me this favour...

So baby do me this favor and come right on back to me.

You ever wanted something so bad that you just can't have ? You ever needed that one thing that's not in your grasp ? It's you that I'm wanting and needing like that, so baby do me this favor and come right on back to me.
Come right on back, come right on back to me...


missing your smile more than anything.

broken.

I don't know how to get through what I'm feeling anymore. I feel as if my world is in tatters, complete ruins, crumbling around me; everything I so carefully built, is deteriorating into a decaying hoard of nothing. It's as if I am gripping my self control so cautiously with my weakest two fingers and as I feel it inevitably slip away, I know that I will never be whole again. I for a fact, know I can and will prevail from this darkness in my mind, but I utterly refuse to sit and will for some morsel of happiness to eventuate from my misery. I am at my wits end. So I have come to the conclusion that the only way I know, and have ever known, to somewhat lift myself from the abysses I so reluctantly create for myself, is to write.

So once again, I return to this blog with a heavy heart and a conscience full of misconceptions, vengeance and defeat. I don't care if nobody in the world reads this. I don't care if nobody in the world reads a single word of what I'm about to share. Because this is my heart, my whole heart, and I don't care about anyone else anymore.

I am completely and utterly through.

new project.

it's been well over a month since I last posted, almost two months actually.

I'm going to start posting every day because I have a new project:
to write my own Bible.
basically to rewrite the Bible, in my own words.

Okay :)