So it's been a while since I last posted on this thing. Safe to say I am not in a good place, no where near. With the much-anticipated return to school, the prospect of growing older looming just around the corner, my world falling in tatters around my feet and the ghastly weather - to be honest, I'd much rather just sleep for the next month or so and ignore anything and everything that could, would, should happen. I'd rather just sleep.
They say "family is everything, family is all you have" - well I'd much rather believe that "you cannot pick your family." Because it's true, if I had the choice, I could not have picked a better mother, and I would not have picked a worse father. And I should have made it clearer that I wanted not a single sibling when I was two years old. Now I'm stuck in the middle of an endless war, and I'm being thrown into the battlefield and forced to endure all the bullets that hit me and take it all standing up. I am so sick and tired of constantly having to play the role of the adult when there are actual adults present - just because my maturity levels supersede yours does not give you the right to make me exercise my brain trying to manipulate a situation that your immaturity and childishness so aptly places us in.
They also say "love is bliss." HA, how I would love to beg to differ. If anything, I've learned that love is the furthest thing from bliss. If love truly were bliss, would I be writing this post ? Would I be racking my brain out trying to find the words to express the utter emptiness I feel that I cannot carry out a conversation with my closest friends; the pain that keeps me awake every single night until 3am when I realize my phone will not receive a text message from you; the confusion that keeps me questioning to the point where I lose track of everything, from class work to a simple conversation; and the hope, the sheer hope, that you will come to your senses and return home...would any of this be happening, if I were in a state of bliss ? Did you ever really make me sublimely happy, did you ever really shut me off from the outside world, did you ever really do me any favours before so innevitably and cruelly breaking my heart ?
And of course, the endless and timeless question - did you ever really cherish my heart ?
Because let's face it, you cannot argue that we had NOTHING. If it were truly nothing, and if I truly meant nothing...if you meant your every word you would have never returned in the first place. All I want to know is, why me ? Why did I have to fall so deeply into this hole that the prospect of ever escaping seems somewhat impossible ? Why do you hold on to me so tightly, why does the idea of you still warm my heart, why does it feel like every time you leave I go numb because I feel like there's nothing left to feel until you come back...what about when you don't come back ? What am I supposed to do then ?
Why can you not answer any single one of my questions...
Why won't you admit it - that you love me back ?
