do you see what i see ?

gone.

2010-12-10T18:51:00.002+11:00

one hundredth.

2010-03-07T16:39:00.001+11:00

It's such a lonely existence with you.

"And let our bodies intertwine, but darling understand - that everything, everything ends."

other half.

2010-03-06T18:46:00.004+11:00

My light, my support, my shoulder, my piece to the puzzle, my all.

If I could express to you the love I hold in my heart for you, or measure the respect I feel every time I look at you, believe me I would. But as that is near impossible, I want to thank you. You have picked me up every time I have fallen over, dusted me off and assisted me to walk along. You have influenced my choices, made me think twice before I make a regrettable decision and made me take a closer look at the true fortune I have gained in the people I surround myself with. You say you cannot feel my pain - I would never, never inflict that upon you, however I know that with every step I take and every time I break a part of you bleeds with me. I wish I could make things better for the both of us, but we both know that these things take time before they can take the true course they need to take. After everything we have seen and everything we know, our tears and laughter, our anger, our sadness and our happiness; I can do nothing but carry you when your legs are numb, hold you up when your knees are weak, and steady you when the ground shakes. Together we will continue to learn, with every thing you and I undertake and overcome. Together we will become bigger and better with every day that passes us by. Together we will "conquer it all". You own my heart - I adore you.

We will see better days, I promise. ♥

insert title here.

2010-03-04T13:23:00.002+11:00

When will the road end ?
My limbs have grown weary from carrying my torso.
My heart feels as if it were a dead weight,
hanging from a string from my rib in my chest.
I cannot shake the thought of you.
I calm my heightened senses,
they try to steal me away into the night,
playing with my thoughts, wrestling with my common sense.
Whispering to me in the night
The thought of a new ending to an
Endless beginning.

it's been too long.

2010-02-28T15:53:00.002+11:00

I have now decided I will be posting to the girl and the robot frequently. Which means all my ramblings, thoughts, etc. will be posted to that blog, and this will become a site for my finished pieces - my essays, my stories, my photos, and my "collections". So that will be all words, and this will become a vault for my creative pieces.

No need to update anyone on the events that happened this weekend - they can remain within my memory, and if not, shows how significant they must have been. I just don't know where to head from here. "One year older, but sure as hell not wiser."

I am now seventeen.

my playlist.

2010-02-23T13:17:00.004+11:00

10 Mile Stereo - Beach House
The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Biko - Bloc Party
The Unforgiven III - Metallica
The Dolphins Cry - Live
Look After You - The Fray
Sea Out - The Guillemots
May Angels Lead You In - Jimmy Eat World
Broken Wings - Flyleaf
I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra
Love Me Tender - Norah Jones
The Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice
Lightning Crashes - Live
Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5

thanks to him.

2010-02-22T18:22:00.004+11:00

I no longer know how I feel, or what to think. I lose all my inhibitions and sense of direction. My self control is slipping, slipping, slipping away. My perception of right and wrong becomes skewed. My thoughts flutter at a million miles an hour. I have flashbacks of the worst thing that happened to me. I feel sublimely happy yet sickeningly confused at the same time. I am beginning to develop a sense of guilt. I find it impossible to justify my actions, yet my actions become impossible to control. I cannot explain a single thing to do with this situation. My mood swings are out of whack. I've become delerious, illiterate, a fool. I don't know what to say anymore.

a new chapter.

2010-02-21T17:42:00.003+11:00

the girl and the robot.

I will still be posting to this blog frequently. Right now I just need a change of scenery.

proverbs 7:6-9.

2010-02-20T23:02:00.003+11:00

For at the window of my house
I looked out through my lattice,
and I saw among the simple ones,
I observed among the youths,
a young man without sense,
passing along the street near her corner,
taking the road to her house
in the twilight, in the evening,
at the time of night and darkness.

10 mile stereo.

2010-02-18T15:11:00.002+11:00

The heart is a stone and this is a stone that we throw
Put your hand on this stone, it's the stone of a home you know
They say we'll go far, but they don't know how far we'll go
With our legs on the edge and our feet on the horizon

They say we can throw far but they don't know how far we throw
With our legs on the edge, and our feet on the horizon
The heart is a stone, and this is a stone that we throw
They say we will go far, but they don't know how far we'll go

It can't be gone, we're still right here
It took so long, can't say we heard it all
Limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
Tear a moment from the days that carry us on forever

This push and pull is the force of a wave of time
In the heat of the night, we would cry, you are not mine
They said we would go far, but they don't know how far we'd go
'Cause this heart is a stone, and this is a stone that we throw

It can't be gone, we're still right here
It took so long, can't say we felt it all
Limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
Love's like a pantheon, it carry us on forever

It can't be gone, we're still right here
It took so long, can't say we felt it all
Limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
Love's like a pantheon, it carries on forever

the dolphin's cry.

2010-02-16T16:17:00.003+11:00

I've never been so confused by my feelings in my entire life. Right now I feel like a mixing pot for all these different emotions and everything has suddenly become lost in translation. Which do I choose from - which would be the easier road ?

On one hand, it's ancient history repeating itself. Though I swore I'd never follow down that path again, I feel so helpless and powerless in my attempt to break away from the connection - it's almost like a magnetic force. We have both agreed that there will always be something between us. The timing is so wrong, the circumstances are even worse, and the way I may feel - or may not feel - makes everything so much harder to read. It's almost impossible to reach a conclusion or decision...for the both of us.

On the other hand, there's my comfort zone - otherwise known as the downfall of my adolescent life. Though I know him inside out, the atrocities and hurt he has caused by his reckless attitude and thoughtless actions is simply indescribable, almost unspeakable. He makes me literally sick to my stomach just thinking about the things he has said and done and yet, I find it absolutely impossble to break away from him and everything he is. I may not know how I feel about him, I may not be able to sum it up with any amount of words, but I do know I feel a solid foundation for everything he is to me; love. I hate him more than anyone can comprehend, yet I love him more than anyone can really understand, for reasons beyond myself. He is the reason to so many wrongs [and a possible right here or there] in my life. He is a massive chunk in my heart, and a massive chapter in my life. He is IT.

Oh, I've also decided to base my entire studio art folio on Alice in Wonderland, so I'll be uploading a few pieces.

letters.

2010-02-11T16:08:00.004+11:00

October 2009 - February 2010.

"I would give anything to take it all back but I know I can't now and I'm trying to fight it so hard...he legit makes me sick."

"I can't sit there and say 'well then I know he's not worth it', he's worth every second."

"He owns my heart, that bastard, and I'm pretty sure he watched it break right in front of him more than once...fuck it."

"I seriously just want to hit him and kick him and scream and just be like 'JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME ?' Coz seriously...there's little else I have to give him, he has it all."

"...I don't want revenge man, I want answers. And if I die tomorrow and he still hasn't given me an answer, then so be it. I realized all I can really do is wait."

"Half of me does want to tell him so then he can see how everything he's put me through has affected me and shit, but half of me doesn't just out of sheer fear that he won't care...I was with his sister just before, and we were talking about him...and she said he just goes through phases with girls and he's the biggest heartbreaker out - I had the biggest urge to tell her how well I know that and how much he's broken mine. I can't move on even though I know for a fact there won't be another encounter, I still sit and wait for him to come back for some unknown reason, I have false hope and belief. I know I deserve better but I don't think that...he's destroying me completely."

"...and I want nothing to do with him unless it's unpleasant on his part, the end."

"...I currently hate him for the mere fact that I appear to no longer exist in his life and I can't take it anymore, he makes me hyperventilate he makes me so angry. No angry is an understatement...BLIND WITH FURY STILL DOESN'T DO THE WAY I'M FEELING ANY JUSTICE. And the worst part is I can't even so much as look at another guy because I'm so fixated on him even though I'm nothing to him, and I compare everyone to him and nobody comes so much as a smidgen close...I hate him I hate him I hate him."

"...and when he kissed me goodbye and held me for so long...that was honestly the happiest I'd been in a long while...every time he leaves I think the same thing, that he's going to turn back...and he never does."

"I feel empty. I feel like he's taken everything away from me, that he took advantage of the fact that I let down my wall for him and that I allowed him in; I feel inadequate as if I wasn't good enough for him, although I have everyone around me telling me "you're too good for him, you deserve better"; and I feel so, so alone."

miss you love.

2010-02-08T12:50:00.002+11:00

I'm not, not sure
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people
Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you, love.

one year later.

2010-02-05T00:40:00.002+11:00

RIP ALLEM HALKIC. ♥

dreaded february.

2010-02-02T23:24:00.002+11:00

So it's been a while since I last posted on this thing. Safe to say I am not in a good place, no where near. With the much-anticipated return to school, the prospect of growing older looming just around the corner, my world falling in tatters around my feet and the ghastly weather - to be honest, I'd much rather just sleep for the next month or so and ignore anything and everything that could, would, should happen. I'd rather just sleep.

They say "family is everything, family is all you have" - well I'd much rather believe that "you cannot pick your family." Because it's true, if I had the choice, I could not have picked a better mother, and I would not have picked a worse father. And I should have made it clearer that I wanted not a single sibling when I was two years old. Now I'm stuck in the middle of an endless war, and I'm being thrown into the battlefield and forced to endure all the bullets that hit me and take it all standing up. I am so sick and tired of constantly having to play the role of the adult when there are actual adults present - just because my maturity levels supersede yours does not give you the right to make me exercise my brain trying to manipulate a situation that your immaturity and childishness so aptly places us in.

They also say "love is bliss." HA, how I would love to beg to differ. If anything, I've learned that love is the furthest thing from bliss. If love truly were bliss, would I be writing this post ? Would I be racking my brain out trying to find the words to express the utter emptiness I feel that I cannot carry out a conversation with my closest friends; the pain that keeps me awake every single night until 3am when I realize my phone will not receive a text message from you; the confusion that keeps me questioning to the point where I lose track of everything, from class work to a simple conversation; and the hope, the sheer hope, that you will come to your senses and return home...would any of this be happening, if I were in a state of bliss ? Did you ever really make me sublimely happy, did you ever really shut me off from the outside world, did you ever really do me any favours before so innevitably and cruelly breaking my heart ?

And of course, the endless and timeless question - did you ever really cherish my heart ?

Because let's face it, you cannot argue that we had NOTHING. If it were truly nothing, and if I truly meant nothing...if you meant your every word you would have never returned in the first place. All I want to know is, why me ? Why did I have to fall so deeply into this hole that the prospect of ever escaping seems somewhat impossible ? Why do you hold on to me so tightly, why does the idea of you still warm my heart, why does it feel like every time you leave I go numb because I feel like there's nothing left to feel until you come back...what about when you don't come back ? What am I supposed to do then ?

Why can you not answer any single one of my questions...

Why won't you admit it - that you love me back ?

hungover.

2010-01-26T19:08:00.003+11:00

in every way - mentally, physically, emotionally.

i am so done.

if the other half is reading this, i love you.

return of the mack.

2010-01-21T20:24:00.003+11:00

Been a while since I last posted, but nothing really new to report other than my latest conquests.

Been with the big sister basically everyday, tonight adventure with her and the other half hopefully, and tomorrow a road trip to Ocean Grove to see my girls. Dreading school after about six months off and I still don't know what I'm doing with the rest of the year, let's just hope it's better than the last.

Switched from Marlboro Reds back to Dunhill Reds and I'm considering switching to PJ Blues for a while, more bang for your buck plus they're not as heavy.

prime.

2010-01-16T13:53:00.001+11:00

I have a new feeling of self worth, and the revenge plan is in place, and man does it feel good.

sunny side up.

2010-01-15T03:29:00.002+11:00

A revenge plan, a trip to Savers tomorrow, my phone finally connected to my shitty laptop, a belly full of pizza, a visit paid to Allem today, a new deck, an idea for a hairstyle, and insane motivation - although my rage and fury are about to cause a spontaneous human combustion, I must say, things may finally be lookin' up.

Although it's probably way too early to speak.
And although by saying so I probably jinxed it all.

mission accomplished.

2010-01-12T02:15:00.005+11:00

I just achieved my life goal, if you know me well enough you should know what that is.

moving mountains.

2010-01-11T17:13:00.005+11:00

Not exactly, we just found ourselves at the base of a really fuckin' big one.

And how we're going to get past, I don't know.

You will come back, you always come back. You are a liar and a heartbreaker and you're going to come back because you always come back.

pashy.

2010-01-09T14:44:00.003+11:00

The main culprit from last night's adventures.

From what was supposed to be a harmless, innocent quiet night turned into a rowdy as piss up. I threw up three times [the sad thing was, not because of alcohol], we yelled at randoms in Williamstown, I wore a cowboy hat to Maccas in A North and saw the guy I've had my eye on for quiet some time...whilst wearing a cowboy hat, Sez drove under the influence here and crashed in my bed, tension between the boys grew, we drove around half the night looking for a goddamn bottle shop that was actually open, I poked the shit out of Mo, Jonny and I got into an argument about Hitler, I continuously lost my deck and the NIIICCCKKKKK jokes kept on coming. I wish I had photos but my camera's dead and I was just toooo drunk to give a fuck.

However it didn't change the way I feel at all, although it was good to see everyone and actually be around people, I woke up in a shitty as mood again today and it's going to be another one of those days. Such a shame, I could have gone to a party tonight and looked my best...instead I'll stay in bed away from the heat and the people and the questions and that asshole.

the pick-me-up.

2010-01-08T16:36:00.001+11:00

the agony.

2010-01-07T21:02:00.003+11:00

This hole that you put me in, wasn't deep enough, and I'm climbing out right now. You're running out of places to hide from me.When you go, just know that I will remember you. If living was the hardest part, we'll then one day be together. And in the end we'll fall apart, just like the leaves changing colours, and then I will be with you. I will be there one last time now. When you go, just know that I will remember you. I lost my fear of falling. I will be with you, I will be with you.

closure ?

2010-01-06T19:11:00.002+11:00

I wrote the letter.

That's about it.

cracked.

2010-01-06T01:22:00.001+11:00

Why, why, why did I have to see you tonight - you've broken me.

four days.

2010-01-05T14:39:00.004+11:00

Until I see my darling Pamela Belardo again.

Yesterday was so all over the place, I loved it.

Started off with me walking out of the shower to find Diana and Natski in my house. We watched Gossip Girl [they use me well] and went down to Pier Street for lunch, where D was stalking out these guys and they knew and kept staring at her. We got ice cream and sat on the pier. This guy was singing literally at the top of his lungs so we filmed him, then headed home because life is boring.

They made me watch I Know What You Did Last Summer which is possibly one of the shittest horror movies ever. Martin and Christos randomly rocked up just as I received a text inviting me to Willi for a piss up. Once D and Natski left there was nothing else to do so we headed over to Willi. Had a mad d&m with Jake Rogers and another with Diana [Jordan's leading lady] and talked shit with Gez as per usual.

That got boring after a few drinks so we all piled into the cars [four cars to be exact] and headed down to Lavo Maccas. We all forgot that Lavo Maccas is closed from the inside at night so I got the bright idea to head to A North and eat there. So we went and filled an entire table with our asses and Maccas shit. Lana and Kath were there and they kicked back with us for a bit, shit talking and laughing at Christos.

After that we went to Jonny's and watched the boys play COD. Jonny and I looked up funny videos on the internet. Went for a drive with Jonny to drop everyone off, mad d&m around the block then came home to call the other half and big sister as they're ballbreakers and I always come home late.

Today Phil, Dean, Tom and the other half have visited me so far, the other half took my Sex & The City, still waiting for the big sister and possibly a guest appearance by Shelbs. Scored an invite with the boys to Pier Street later, might take D with me, who the fuck even knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwws.\

Left meeeeeeee brokennnnnnnnnn.

broken hearted girls.

2010-01-03T18:21:00.003+11:00

So last night we decided to hvave a chilled night, complete with the greatest steak ever tasted compliments of the chef. Only it wasn't so chilled when the big sister came with some big news and four of us headed over to the airport where we elaborated on our broken hearts and ate excessive amounts of Maccas. Of course the airport, the love of my life's favourite place. Upon arrival at home I discovered a house full of people and Hungry Jacks. The events that occurred next are somewhat a blur as my rage and sleep deprivation overclouded my common sense, but I think it goes something like:

- Pineapple Express
- X-Ray Cat
- Shirtless runs down Balaclava
- My camera and notepad full of ridiculous crap
- More Hungry Jacks
- Weed cameras
- Wedgies
- Skinned knees
- Fighting over Hades
- Funny Youtube videos
- Watching the sunrise

And of course. Bawling my eyes out to the other half.

unhappy old year.

2010-01-01T16:50:00.005+11:00

Well my night was positively tragic.
I really cannot be bothered telling the entire story, so here are some highlights.

The drinking game when everyone found out my deepest, darkest secret and will not let me live it down. Fuck, you learn a lot about people by playing drinking games.

Arriving at Lavo station and cheering at all these randoms, getting pumped. Then we cheered and made friends with all these Indians who talked to us about cricket and whatever. Some drunk bogan came over to us asking for a lighter and would not leave us until we got off at Newport.

On the train, the entire carriage we were on was dressed in white - junkies going to Sensations. Their pupils were bigger than their eyes. I discovered my new boyfriend on the train. Philip befriended some Maoris on the other carriage and somehow indirectly started a fight on the train, which led to our whole carriage chanting "AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE, OI OI OI !" The guy behind me agreed with me when I said "Stop the violence, I just want a fucking cigarette !" Good friendships were made on that train.

Newport station, Gez flipped off an entire train of people, including children, not expecting them to ALL get off the train.

I ripped out a jumper from my bag and Gez put a plastic bag on her head in an attempt to protect our hair. Didn't work according to plan.

On the way home in the taxi we tried to bribe the taxi driver to let us overload with five passengers and he wouldn't take it so Tom ran home, in storm weather. What a trooper.

Sitting outside with Phil having a d&m and a ciggie, these pill poppers came up to my house asking if some random lived here. I said no, I lived here now. We had a grand conversation and now I'm best friends with my neighbour, his girlfriend, an Irish guy and a cage fighter. They kept leaving and coming back and speaking to us, and I gave them all orange juice because I was scared they'd dehydrate and die.

"Woah man, look at how white that kitty's paws are !"
"I'm a carpenter, and I built a pool. It's only from about here to your front door and it's made out of wood and it's only about this deep -points at shin- but if there's not many of you, I was gonna say, I know it's cold and all but if you have nothing better to do you can come and sit in my pool."

"You are coming over and we are getting blind, because we are neighbours and new friends and we are getting drunk together. I probably won't remember but just come over anyway because chances are I'll already be drunk."

"Where is the music...why is there no music...I want to DANCE."

And et cetera.

Goodbye and good riddance.

nye.

2009-12-31T12:24:00.008+11:00

And man, last night did I reach a new conclusion.

the bitch is back.

And she's angrier than ever.

to his immortal beloved.

2009-12-30T15:52:00.002+11:00

Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine -

Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be -

Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to you with me.

But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I.

- Ludwig van Beethoven.

jautkyn.

2009-12-30T01:43:00.002+11:00

This is what we have nicknamed Kaitlyn after she incorrectly spelled her own name.

Last night Dean came over and cheered me up from whatever shitty mood I was in and we watched Gossip Girl until the other half came, then we sat up talking about naughty things and lovely things and depressing things and all kinds of things until Dean left and the other half and I fell asleep in my bed. I slept for majority of the day, until it was time to go to Kaitlyn's birthday dinner at Groove Lounge.

Nothing to report really, it was just an enjoyable night with nice people. Mr Zarkos' youngest sister was there and I am officially stalking her. It was so great to finally catch up with Amanda again, it's been a while. I stole Belinda's camera and we basically spent the rest of the night taking ridiculous photos of everything.

We had a grand old conversation with the poor waiter who'd been standing there silently all night, then Matt and Katt [hahahaha] and Amanda and I went and got ice cream and waited for Fred to pick us up. As Amanda and I were walking down the road cops stopped us and asked what we were doing and where we we going, probably thought we were hookers. I made Amanda listen to ethnic crap in the car to Kaitlyn's, and we all chilled there until Matt took me home. Stupid Kaitlyn wouldn't give me beer.

"Oh be careful, she may just cry, it was so beautiful."

the sound of insanity.

2009-12-28T19:30:00.006+11:00

Sea Out - Guillemots
Couldn't walk, she wouldn't cry, dreaming was their only time; dreams are half asleep.
I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra
And I was asking if you felt alright, I never want to hear the truth.
Snowflakes - White Apple Tree
I stand up dazed as I look around, what is this place that I have found?
Plane - Jason Mraz
If the plane goes down, damn, I'll remember where the love was found.
Dark On Fire - Turin Brakes
There's a reason that the world turns round, through silent sound.
Love Or Die - Travis Garland
I'd be happy with a broken heart, at least I got the chance to be in love with you.
Bust Your Windows - Jazmine Sullivan
But don't come back to my broken heart, you could never feel how I felt that day.
Moth's Wings - Passion Pit
But you've run away from me, and you've left me shimmering.
Other Side - Red Hot Chili Peppers
I thought it up and brought up the past, once you know you can never go back.
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
I know that goodbye means nothing at all, comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.

oh what a night.

2009-12-28T06:13:00.002+11:00

It all started when Gez and Shelbs messaged me asking if they could pop around for a visit. As soon as they arrived we'd modelled the clothing items we'd purchased over the past weekend, ordered Stellas and watched Two & A Half Men. Shelbs made us watch the Glee marathon. It was gleeful.

Age messaged me asking if he could visit so of course he came around and complained about how gay Glee is [which I must concur with him] and Shelbs left. A few shiggies and a d&m later, Char and Jenna messaged me asking what I was doing. Of course, they visited around the time Age was leaving.

Gez ditched us to go see Andy aka the evil bogan with no hair. All for a bit of green. So we dropped her off and decided to terrorize the streets of Altona Meadows for a bit. Then we decided Meadows was boring so we made our way over to Sanctuary Lakes to wake up people at 2am because they're rich, then went sight seeing in Point Cook at past residencies, and discovered the "Tree of God" because it had light underneath it which lit it up completely. We listened to Warp about six times before coming home because there was nothing to do.

Then we sat at home making fun of music videos when Char decided she wanted to go get her stuff from some evil male's house before they all raped her. So we collected her shit, passed my old house which hurt my heart, and drove all the way back to Point Cook to get petrol. At the petrol station I for some reason adopted the bright idea of driving all the way to Footscray for kebabs. So we drove all the way from Point Cook to Footscray, overloading the car, at 3am to get kebabs. When we got to the servo the guy mumbled and complained that he was shutting it up soon but still made us kebabs because he's a public servant and had no choice really. There was no lettuce left, what the fuck is a kebab with no lettuce ? The guy at the check out was eerily chirpy for someone who'd probably just worked a 10 hour shift until 3 in the morning, he was on something for sure, and kept telling us he'd charge us $100 for our drinks which we just nodded and smiled at before quickly claiming our kebabs and retreating to the parking lot to eat. The check out guy came outside to do God knows what, probably stalk us out, so we panicked and drove away.

I was out of ideas so we just went for a drive. Jenna ridiculously drove to Pier Street where there are always cops because people apparently get stabbed there, so I had to duck. Of course they followed us so we went into a side street and parked in some random's driveway. I ended up getting out of the car just as the police pulled up behind her, and I bolted all the way to Harry's house. I waited there for a while before I realized my phone was on charger at home. So I thought fuck it, may as well walk home.

Walk home, from Pier Street to Altona Meadows, in ridiculous weather wearing trackies and a jumper and I made it just as the sun was coming up. I can recall one time I've been so sweaty, and I was not wearing clothes.

As I walked home my irrational fear of gypsies arose and I ran past every caravan or van that I saw to avoid being jumped for my jewellery or shoes or some shit. Then I nearly fell flat on my face because there was no light and a supermassive ditch. Then some random birds nearly swooped me so I ran some more. Then I couldn't run anymore so I stumbled to the nearest bus stop, lit a cigarette and sat there for a good ten seconds before convincing myself I was halfway home. Then I had to jog in the bike lane because there was no sidewalk and I didn't want to die by getting hit by a pushbike because that is just woeful. Then I was walking on the road because magpies were death staring me and I nearly got run over by a semi trailer. Then some nice old lady was walking her dog and her dog sniffed me and she must have thought I looked at the dog in terror, because she reassured me it would not touch me, when actually I greasied it. Then I saw the Shell sign and felt so relieved that I walked almost proudly with my nose in the air all the way to my house. Then I unlocked the door and called the girls who were so worried that I'd gotten kidnapped they camped out at the beach until they heard from me.

Then I had the most pleasant shower in the world, and now I'm sitting here waiting for the fuckheads to drive back and listening to Hades miaowing in the weirdest tone.

Tree of God.

silenzio.

2009-12-27T15:22:00.002+11:00

Pickles aka the big sister just came over for a visit and woke me up. We indulged in a bit of Chuck Bass and a bitch session about our favourite male of all time.

Now I'm sitting in silence writing this blog. Hades is asleep on my bed and Fred has gone to Simon's to cook roast lamb because our oven is shit. I'm not sure what to do now, but for the next few minutes at least, I'm quite content just sitting here and writing down my thoughts.

1. Donnie - the love of my life, he really is. And while the big sister believes that I can fall for someone even more, I highly doubt that, and although she has felt these exact feelings for the exact same person anymore I feel as though we cannot relate. He is the one that I got OVER who I thought was the love of my life at the time, and now there is no one else, and nobody can compare. True, he does do this to plenty of other girls, but from what I've been told I've been the worst affected. And yes, she did tell me that someday he will get his turn and get hurt, but as I said, what kills me is to know that the person who hurts him will not be me. I am willing to put all the money I have ever collected in my life on that [and believe me, that's a lot]. She believes I may have a shot in hell. I must disagree. It kills me to disagree.

2. That asshole I call my father - most likely to have another child. I refuse to identify that child at my half sibling. Indeed, the child has done nothing, but how is it punishment to the child if from birth I refuse to be a part of its life - it will never know any different ? Besides, it's not like I have very much contact with that side of the family as it is, I don't even speak to my father. The last thing we'd all want is the prodigal daughter stepping in and causing a scene over her father and "step mother's" new found happiness. Rather disown it from the beginning, less of an effort.

3. Chuck Bass - if only there were more men like him in the world. He is perfection [apart from the fact that he doesn't wax his chest - deal breaker]. Yes, he is an asshole, and yes he plays his little mind games, but he falls for the girl and does everything in his power to avoid hurting her directly and to make her happy. The closest I've found to a male who embodies this, has not found that girl yet. It kills me to think that girl will never be me.

4. Cigarettes - I need a new deck. I've been smoking less because I've been around family. Now that the silly season is over [or more correctly, the ridiculous season] watch my lungs rot to nothing but a black mass in my ribs.

5. My room - I should probably clean it and hang up my Christmas present.

6. Fred - the best mother in the world. I cannot apologize to her enough for the damage I've caused and for the wrong things I've done and for everything I've put her through. I cannot thank her enough for my amazing Christmas present, for everything she does for me, for the way she treats me like an adult but a child when I need it, for the way she steers me in the right direction even when I lose my way, for the way she never loses faith or trust in me even after I've proved to her I don't even deserve it, and for being my best friend in the world and the only person I'll ever depend on.

7. Hades - is really cute right now.

8. Cupboard doors - really should consider putting them back on my cupboard.

9. Summer clothes - man I need to go shopping, I need to find a way to pay for these things I need to go shopping for first. So out of dosh it's not even funny anymore. Cutting down smoking [NOT QUITTING] to about a deck a week instead of almost a deck a day, and I might consider getting a job just until I have enough to pay off everything I want. Or I could just visit the Greeks and take their kesh money.

10. My wardrobe - is actually becoming quite respectable. Photos when it's done.

homecoming.

2009-12-26T22:00:00.003+11:00

Just arrived back from Albury.

Fred promised to let me drive up and back for a portion of the way with my grandparents in the back, so I was determined to drive all the way to Glenrowan McDonalds from Melbourne. Yesterday I fulfilled that goal and was so relieved to see the Golden Arches on the horizon, however as I parked the car I discovered the seats in the restaurant were up and nobody was around, exception of the Asians eating sammiches on the outdoor seating. I went to open the doors and they were locked. Maccas was locked on Christmas. I cried and had a cigarette with my grandparents.

We got to Albury, and my entire family wasn't at their house so we had to jump the fence to unlock the door. The weather was disgusting already, hot and fucking sticky as hell. I sat in the car grumpily with a massive headache until they finally got inside.

Then we were outside chilling and the neighbours starting pouring in, one by one. One lady walked in with a platter of assorted cheeses and announced they were "baby cheeses for baby Jesus." Although she turned out to be a lovely lady with a great sense of humour, that line never made me look at her quite the same.

I was so bored I drank. With my family. That's low.

Fred, Moni J and I decided we were excessively bored and claustrophobic from the neighbour's "hospitality" that we hopped in the car and drove to buttfuck nowhere for no apparent reason, whilst all under the influence...gotta love the Beamer.

I met the most adorable little boy, Will. He belonged to the neighbours across the road and was an absolute terror with the most innocent look but if you looked into his eyes you'd know he was up to no good. He'd do something awful whilst looking you in the eye and grinning. He stuck his hand in the ice bucket and started piffing ice cubes at people. This child is one and a half years old. I wanted to adopt him.

After a while some more random neighbours popped in just as some of them were leaving, with frozen margarita mix. We decided we may as well drink some more, it was too sweet for my liking but I downed it anyway because there was nothing else to do.

I unlocked my cousins' wifi on my iPhone and was on Facebook the rest of the night, stalking people and stirring up some emotions I thought I buried very deep for Cinnamon...although I don't care that he and Pixie are together [still], it is still foreign to me as I did not picture them lasting past the six month mark. It pains me not only to see that I was wrong, but that I was DEAD wrong about them. And the fact that she got him and not me still to this day turns my stomach. Honest to God, it made me for a split second question my feelings for Donnie and Cinnamon's love for Pixie - merely physical attraction or real, gut wrenching, heart breaking love ? What would have been the outcome if the tables were turned and Pixie and I had ended up with the same men, but the other way around as it was originally planned out ? Something to mull over in my mind.

Then as I went to plug my phone into the charger I discovered the bed leg thing was in the way of the powerpoint. So I had to wake up Fred in order to move that ten ton bed just to get to the powerpoint. Then as soon as I went to try and sleep I found I was not tired at all, and Fred was snoring.

I woke up this morning at roughly 9am. Why 9, you may ask ? I don't know. Go ask the dickheads that woke up at about 4am to go shopping at 5 for the screwy Boxing Day sales. Have fun sifting and sorting through various apparel rejected by the masses during Christmas and therefore marked down in an effortless hope that some cashed up shopaholic will pick it up and love it for another two weeks before it finally makes its way to a Savers clothes rack.

As soon as I woke up I got ready to go shopping and my grandmother started yelling at me for no apparent reason, she just loves to yell. Went and annoyed Moni J at work with the Rat. My delightful grandmother who loves to yell left a trolley in the middle of a shopping centre, and yelled at it. I ate a cheese and bacon roll. It was great.

Fred, Rat and I headed off to the city without my delightful grandmother unfortunately and went directly to Myer where we discovered that half of Albury had the same idea. I called Boxhead and she told me the shops were closed, well did I have news for her. I headed directly over to the resort she and the entire love of my life's family were staying and kicked back with them for the rest of the day, exhausting stuff. Dee cracked it because I tanned after five minutes and didn't even want a tan, while she was busting for a tan and didn't even colour after a day. We proceeded to turn everything into a dirty joke. I met her papa, he seemed to know who I was, I'm a bit scared.

It got a bit awkward when Dee brought up Donnie and we'd have a short conversation about him before realizing we were talking about her brother and the man that I lost my innocence to and it went quiet and Boxhead would just look at us like we were insane. I wish I could talk to Dee about all this.

Fred came and collected me, we went and saw the baby who had just arrived in Albury, said goodbye, and we drove home. I drove from Albury to Glenrowan and FINALLY got my Mickey Dees, ate that while Fred drove part of the way back and I drove with the evil sun glaring in my eyes. All the way bagging my grandmother - her "I don't like trifle" line, the way she slept, the way she said "was" instead of "were", the way she claps to music out of time, the way she always yells, the way she said I wasn't Lebanese but full Greek because my father is Greek, the way she makes everything into a melodrama, she's just fun to bag I guess. Fred and I quickly drove away after we dropped them off because they were fighting and we just could not be fucked.

And while I didn't want to leave for another day to stay with my lovely adoptive Macedonian family I must admit, walking in that front door to my beloved kitty cat was such a relief. So was the ten hour shower I had afterwards.

Fuck I hate Albury.

the greatest gift ever.

2009-12-25T01:13:00.001+11:00

It may not be Torres, but it is a piece of him ♥

christmas eve.

2009-12-24T03:41:00.001+11:00

My wish list:
Fernando Torres.
A never-ending packet of double coat Tim Tams.
The entire Hemnes bedroom series from Ikea, esp. the dressing table.
Dolce & Gabbana black lace bow peeptoe heels ♥♥♥
Chanel pearl clip on earrings.
Vintage Missoni convertible knit dress/tunic/top.
Flowerbomb by Viktor&Rolf.
Vintage cigarette stick holder.
Mein Kampf - Adolf Hitler.
My Cupid tattoo.
Bring Me The Horizon to tour Australia again.
Monroe piercing.
MAC Baroque Boudoir Lipstick in Treasured.
A Michael Hussar masterpiece.
A sewing machine of my very own.
A new kitchen and a walk in wardrobe...or at least a bigger one.
Winter to come sooner.
Pamela to come home safe.
To wrap this all up, you.

cardboard love.

2009-12-23T04:09:00.005+11:00

the new love of my life.

mono gia sena.

2009-12-22T15:44:00.000+11:00

isolation and intoxication.

2009-12-22T15:37:00.002+11:00

I know I'm pushing everyone away and alienating myself, but I feel like in order to deal with these feelings and recent events I have no choice but to be isolated and away from the world. I feel defeated. I don't know how to react to this all, I am so relieved yet so empty; so grateful, yet so greedy; so surrounded, yet so alone. Donnie, you will never read this, but there are things I could give to no one else, parts of me that nobody could ever come in contact with and aspects of myself that nobody has ever been exposed to. I gave it all to you and you left. So it's only logical that I should feel as if I'm left with nothing. I gave you my all and you're walking away...it's all so very cliched.

Aleksander, I hope you exist and can read this someday. I pray to whatever God there is, that I will get to meet you someday.

relief.

2009-12-17T22:22:00.003+11:00

Finally breathing again.
This issue escalated dramatically but now it's all calming down. My appointment is tomorrow which means I'll finally obtain closure and a final answer. Today has been the hardest day of my life so far, and I'm really hoping it stays that way.

Frustrated with the sister, thankful for the other half and apologetic to the mother.

You pulled through for me. I'm so grateful Donnie. ♥

content.

2009-12-15T00:34:00.002+11:00

Green Day concert, best night of my fucking life.
More to report when I can be fucked.
Also, I think I may return to this blog after all.
That is all.

renewal.

2009-12-05T15:31:00.002+11:00

I'm redoing this entire blog, possibly making a new one.
Why ? Because it's time for a change.

summer.

2009-12-02T11:54:00.002+11:00

Torres fucking help me.
I think I'm going to spontaneously self combust.
I would so love to fast forward to another six or so months.
And I cannot understand for the life of me why the long holidays are not during winter, because winter is boss.
I miss the footy and I want my Christmas present now.

You literally make me sick.

alpha dog.

2009-11-30T00:31:00.005+11:00

but what you've done here, is put yourself between a bullet and a target
and it won't be long before you're pulling yourself away.

memory lane.

2009-11-29T13:28:00.002+11:00

the past, the present, the not-so-bright future.

killing me baby.

2009-11-27T20:15:00.008+11:00

your smile.

remaining calm.

2009-11-17T23:28:00.001+11:00

Whilst attempting to maintain a tight grip on my sanity, as difficult as that may be.

Für Elise - Beethoven.

what is it.

2009-11-15T23:20:00.002+11:00

the second.

2009-11-12T23:58:00.002+11:00

I wish you could see what you are really doing to me. Not only are you tormenting my existence, but every time I try to build a wall between you and I, you destroy the foundations and kick the bricks away. Why ? I thought you didn't want me anymore.

Stop playing with my fucking heart, like it hasn't been through enough trouble.

put simply.

2009-11-08T21:36:00.001+11:00

Vous ruinez ma vie.

sad ending.

2009-11-03T14:34:00.001+11:00

Sitting in my old Hoppers house, I have not felt so depressed in a long time. This is probably the last time I'm going to sit in this bed, in this room, in this house. People are coming to inspect my house, strangers, nobodies. This is all I've known for so long and I don't want to change; I don't accept change. Why do I have no say or control in the outcomes in my life anymore ?

inadequate.

2009-11-02T16:42:00.002+11:00

never be enough for you.

november.

2009-11-01T16:09:00.002+11:00

What a Halloween.

The most random, exciting, spontaneous, enjoyable, entertaining night I've experienced in quite a while and boy did it get my mind off shit.
From cage fighting, to cigarettes, to "three" cartons of eggs, to La Porchetta, to Westona, to being chased by the police, to Coco Pops, to opera singing at 3am, to nudie runs, to bed.
And to think I thought my Halloween would be shit.

Now I just have to endure this stupid bloody month, then another three for summer/Christmas/my birthday/no AFL, the fucking joys of life I'd say.

I still don't know what to do about him.

schizophrenia.

2009-10-29T23:21:00.004+11:00

Insomnia guided through a colourless reality
Paper sky, paper trees, paper moon, paper seas
I touch them; they crumple and float away
And here I stand lost in an unknown distance
Oblivious to beautiful things being lost in translation
Signs of where I am going never felt more meaningless
Desperate as I am, reality is a mere shipwreck
Surrounded by a flooding sea of emotion, crashing, consuming
A drunken poet could not so much as see this blinding light
It stops before me and leads me on into the morning sun
Sinking slowly into the great divide between restless minds
Imagination calls me and takes me far from here
I close my eyes, I am home again.

gracious.

2009-10-29T00:57:00.002+11:00

the gloves are off. the bell has rung out. i'm exhausted, overpowered, beaten. finished.
i will graciously accept my defeat, if you will please hurry to come and collect your prize.

because that's what you are - heartless.

two months.

2009-10-28T11:38:00.003+11:00

Two fucking months on and you're still fucking with my head.
I don't know why I give in to you so easily; is it your persuasive charm, your manipulative nature, no, it's the fact that you are exactly like me - my mirror image - and I thrive on that fact. It's not even that you have absolute control over me anymore, it's that you abuse that power and I so unwillingly and helplessly give in to you every fucking time. Why the fuck is it so hard for me to walk away ? I tried, I literally TRIED - it was so out of my power, it's all a blur. And don't tell me "tonight never happened" because the reality of it is yes, it did happen, and it must have happened for a reason other than spontaneousness or impulsive behaviour as you so aptly believe. I know you don't believe in that bullshit so stop feeding it to me. It was so wrong, so fucking wrong, and so incredibly forceful that I cannot even begin to describe the way it made me feel...the way you make me feel. You told me all the previous feelings and reasonings for why we had to "end" still stand, yet you were holding my hand when you said that ? Donnie, I know I mean nothing to you. And I know you rightfully should mean nothing to me. But you do, you mean so fucking much to me and I cannot believe how much you've managed to hurt me, without so much as even a sign of remorse - it seriously surprises me more than it may shock anyone else in the world that I remain powerless in your hands. You effortlessly manipulate me and yes, I sit and take it. Why ? In some devastating hope that I'll one day hold that very control over you. This is a fucking power struggle and I'm tired of it...it is my pure disbelief, regret and somewhat denial that I ever met someone like you.

I just went and did possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life.
And I loved it.

always.

2009-10-24T20:51:00.001+11:00

And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always.

apple juice.

2009-10-14T13:19:00.002+11:00

Empty juicebox.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel today, my mood swings are unbearable - one minute I'm happy and talking too much and too fast, and the next I'm yelling and withdrawn. I feel like someone is injecting me with speed and I'm on fast forward until I come back down and get slapped with reality.

I had my meeting today, went relatively well. Things are sorted. For now.

I miss one more than I miss the other and I'm sick of being confused, all I want is stability, or at least a fucking answer.

I cannot wait to move out of this house.

my own fairy tale.

2009-10-12T14:38:00.002+11:00

Once upon a time, there was a young boy and a young girl and, although they were too young to feel love, they had given their hearts to one another forever more. These hearts were made of glass and were extremely precious. Each held on to the other's heart, and each took special care of these hearts as they could break at any time. These hearts were the sole reason the boy and girl were living; to give each other life and love as long as they both shall live. The boy and the girl were scarcely seen apart and would spend their days together, talking, laughing and watching the sun set, before it was time to go home and retire to bed.

One early morning, as the last snow flakes fell and the air turned icy, the boy and the girl were taking their daily stroll through the fields. The girl was lively and bright and up to her usual dancing, chatting, and laughing; the boy however, was incredibly quiet and withdrawn. The girl noticed the change in the boy and questioned him about it, but he refused to answer. She asked again, as she loved him, and again he refused to answer. Upon her third try, he raised his head and stopped walking.

"Sometimes I want to take a stroll by myself. Sometimes I want to be alone. Sometimes I wish I had never met you."

The girl's cheeks went a bright red, as if she had been slapped viciously in the face. "What do you mean, you wish you had never met me ?"

The boy grew impatient and shuffled his feet about. "Is it not obvious ? If I had never met you, I would have time to myself. I would have time to think. Sometimes I think maybe I do not wish to spend time with you anymore, I do not want to see you..."

The girl's heart dropped at his words. The butterflies she always felt flutter in her stomach when she was around him, seemed so inactive all of a sudden. "This must be a mistake of some kind."

"It is not !" The boy raised his voice and startled the girl. Instead of apologizing for scaring her, as he normally would have, he frowned at her and continued what he was saying. "I know what I want. What you want and what I want are two different things. I do not care to do what you want to do, I do not care to listen to what you have to say any longer. I do not care for you."

The girl's eyes welled up with tears and the boy automatically felt guilty at the sight of a single tear running down her cheek. Yet he did not take his words back.

"Please don't cry."

The girl looked up at him accusingly. "How do you expect me not to cry ? You hold my heart in the palm of my hand. Don't you love me anymore ?"

The boy looked down at the glass heart laying preciously in the small of his fist. "You can have it back now. I do not love you."

The girl burst into tears and stretched her hand out to accept the heart. But the boy was reluctant to give it to her.

"Give me it," she demanded.

The boy said nothing, and remained motionless.

The girl's voice grew louder. "I said give me it !" she yelled. "You have no use for it now. Give me back my heart. You are selfish. You're a selfish, silly boy and I love you."

The boy suddenly grew angered by her words. His face went red with fury, and his bottom lip quivered. Suddenly, without warning, he dropped the girl's heart and let it drop to the ground, where it shattered into a hundred thousand tiny little pieces.

The girl's eyes grew wide as she looked the boy in the face, watching as his eyes grew wide as well. She clutched her chest as she found it difficult to breathe. The boy watched in horror and despair as the girl he had once loved crumpled to the ground and lay there, motionless, next to the hundred thousand pieces of her broken heart.

The boy stared at her body for a little while longer. How could he have committed such an act ? Was he blind to see that he still loved her, and he'd never meant to break her heart ? He allowed the tears to run down his face and on to the girl's body, before deciding he would smash his own heart; the pair of them, laying together, next to their two broken hearts. He searched the girl's purse, her pockets, but his heart was nowhere to be found. The boy was confused; had they not agreed to keep the heart safe and sound at all times ? Was that not the agreement ? Surely she had not left it carelessly laying around for anyone to take - it was his heart, and she had loved him.

The boy walked back into town with tears of guilt and shame streaming down his cheeks. He walked over to the girl's house and decided to search for his heart. He checked the entire house, the cupboards, the tables, the drawers, and soon grew exhausted. He almost fell over from defeat when he realized he had not checked the girl's room. Slowly he opened the door and peered inside.

There, sitting upon a chest of drawers, was a magnificent glass case decorated with blue jewels. There was a note sitting atop the case. The boy walked over and read it.

"I hope you someday read this, when I am ready to show you how much I truly love you. I'm scared. The feelings I feel for you are so profound, so vicious, so overpowering, that I feel almost limited in my attempt to express to you, my love for you. I guarded your heart, so it would never break. Because the last thing I ever want to do is break your heart. I love you."

The boy sobbed and shook as he read this letter. He ran out of the room and out of the house. He kept running and running until he reached where the girl lay. Crouching down beside her, he took in her looks, her scent, her aura one last time, before he lay next to her and died. The boy never had to look in the glass case to know what the girl had guarded in there, so carefully, for her entire life.

His heart.

four.

2009-10-11T15:23:00.007+11:00

i feel so fucking empty.

there is not a single fucking morsel of self control within me anymore. I have no idea
where I fit, where I am meant to stand; I once prided myself on my ability
to stand on my own two feet and since I've lost that ability, I've lost my
personal identity. I've lost my ability to distinguish myself from every
other brainless, motionless lump of a human in this world. All that can
identify me now are my tear-soaked tissues and packets upon packets of
medication; boxes, blister packs, tubes. With my names in black block
print on the stickers on the front. Yes, they are mine, all mine.

My heart literally hurts and my mind aches.

I lay at night and cry. Me, the being who once upon a time was
convinced she did not possess tear ducts. Why do I cry ? If I knew
the answer to that I would not be sitting here writing this blog
and pouring my heart out to complete strangers who are killing
their eyesight by sitting too close to the computer, and possible
pedophiles. If I knew what more people wanted from me, or even
what more I have to offer, I'd be more than glad to accommodate
for them. I've even lost my ability to think straight; so often I
just sit there staring at a blank wall with just as blank a mind.
This must be some sort of path of self destruction and instead
of convincing myself to veer off it, that I am stronger and
better than this, as I'm so frequently told I am meant to
do; I mindlessly, selflessly, almost uncontrollably follow
the path. I wish I could spontaneously self combust.

I really hope my psychologist doesn't read this, I'm tired
of therapy and cognitive behavioural theories and
activities and that bullshit. It's obvious that it does
not work for me; I cannot train myself to be calm, at
one with myself.

I am so fucking lonely.

ps.

2009-10-09T00:45:00.003+11:00

Natalie and I have decided to write up our own Bible, together.

"and the golden age began on the twenty-sixth day of the second month;
when thy messiah was brought to this earth in a human form;
fathered by satan, nurtured by human flesh,
and ultimately the saviour of the entire universe."

...just for starters.

unclear to me.

2009-10-08T23:58:00.002+11:00

Dust. That is all that these ribs have collected over the vast abyss that is my existence - dust. No comforting beating, nor the rush of goosebumps travelling up my spine, nor the fluttering of butterflies buried deep in the pit of my stomach. No startling sensation or shakes of fright, you have left me completely empty. My ribcage feels torn open, swung open as if it were a rusty door and robbed of its contents. There will be no more lying with my head nestled on my pillow, listening to my heart beat echo through my ears, rhythmitically, automatically; I took for granted the sweet sensation of the blood pumping viciously at the sound of your voice, the solid drum-like beat of my heart at the smell of your scent, the goosebumps that felt like electric shooting up my arms at the warmth of your touch. The butterflies have since been silenced, cruelly, unfairly. Their flapping wings have been clipped; trembling, they sit in the hopeless wait to someday feel the need to fly free. They sit in the darkness that encloses them, waiting, waiting ever so patiently for the day that you will return my beating heart to its bony enclosure and make me feel somewhat whole again. Unbeknownst to your intentions, I so quickly let you in, only to find you were nothing but a thief. Did you find you were heartless yourself, so you felt the need to snatch mine from my chest ? Wipe the dust off my ribs, please acknowledge the existence of my tired heart you so callously stole; I've grown weary of this game.

sharp diamonds.

2009-10-05T17:08:00.003+11:00

I'm in pain, but I understand the things you're trying to say; so if it's too late and I can't create a way to fix my mistakes, I'll be on my way to another state, I won't stay another day. Just say the word and I'll be on my curb, coz that's all that I deserve. Don't want nobody else but you; won't settle for somebody new. Don't wanna live this life without you. I need you here with me right now.

You ever wanted something so bad that you just can't have ? You ever needed that one thing that's not in your grasp ? It's you that I'm wanting and needing like that, so baby do me this favor and come right on back to me.

On my own, I'm not feeling strong, and I'm gonna stay alone, coz moving on is not what I want; the thought of it feels so wrong. I call your phone, and you're never home and I'm tired of that ring back tone. Just speak to me so I can live the dream of being back in your arms. Don't want nobody else but you; won't settle for somebody new. Don't wanna live this life without you. I need you here with me right now.

You ever wanted something so bad that you just can't have ? You ever needed that one thing that's not in your grasp ? It's you that I'm wanting and needing like that, so baby do me this favor and come right on back to me.

Ever wanted something so bad ? Ever needed something not in your grasp ? It's you that I'm wanting like that, so do me this favour...

So baby do me this favor and come right on back to me.

You ever wanted something so bad that you just can't have ? You ever needed that one thing that's not in your grasp ? It's you that I'm wanting and needing like that, so baby do me this favor and come right on back to me.
Come right on back, come right on back to me...

missing your smile more than anything.

broken.

2009-10-05T00:33:00.003+11:00

I don't know how to get through what I'm feeling anymore. I feel as if my world is in tatters, complete ruins, crumbling around me; everything I so carefully built, is deteriorating into a decaying hoard of nothing. It's as if I am gripping my self control so cautiously with my weakest two fingers and as I feel it inevitably slip away, I know that I will never be whole again. I for a fact, know I can and will prevail from this darkness in my mind, but I utterly refuse to sit and will for some morsel of happiness to eventuate from my misery. I am at my wits end. So I have come to the conclusion that the only way I know, and have ever known, to somewhat lift myself from the abysses I so reluctantly create for myself, is to write.

So once again, I return to this blog with a heavy heart and a conscience full of misconceptions, vengeance and defeat. I don't care if nobody in the world reads this. I don't care if nobody in the world reads a single word of what I'm about to share. Because this is my heart, my whole heart, and I don't care about anyone else anymore.

I am completely and utterly through.

new project.

2009-10-02T16:05:00.002+10:00

it's been well over a month since I last posted, almost two months actually.

I'm going to start posting every day because I have a new project:
to write my own Bible.
basically to rewrite the Bible, in my own words.

Okay :)

2009-09-08T17:36:00.001+10:00

it's been forever, and I've never felt so empty in all of my life. I feel like a part of me has been taken away, a part that I'll never get back. I thought I was ready for this but I clearly wasn't, and now I'm plagued by this stupid sense of emptiness and guilt that just won't go away.

I've made my decisions, and I'm paying the price.

I have nothing left to give.

2009-08-13T15:42:00.002+10:00

It's been so long since I've written, probably because I've forgotten how to fucking write.

This is quite possibly one of the worst days of my life.
And surprise, it's a fucking Thursday.

2009-07-18T13:49:00.000+10:00

Love is like gravity - no matter how much you convince yourself not to believe in it, and that it doesn't exist, it always finds a way to weigh you down.

possibly my best quote.

sickness.

2009-07-10T20:21:00.002+10:00

How I miss being able to digest food, and walk around without blacking out...

Aleksandr Petrovsky is the closest thing to me right now...physically.

letter.

2009-07-07T20:58:00.002+10:00

Dear you, I asked myself if I could put into words all the things I want to say to so many people, so I thought you would be a good place to start. As it would seem, it is nearly impossible. There is no word, no phrase, no paragraph, and no ten thousand page book in this world that can explain how much you've hurt me and the emotions you have unlocked; I feel illiterate. Perhaps that single sentence will provide a sufficient preview so you may catch a glimpse of me at my most vulnerable, hopeless point. If all my tears, my words, my pain were collected in a bucket it would still be but a minor distraction to you. So I'll enclose you my heart - you've already broken it, you may as well have it now. Best wishes, me.

you will never, ever know
how this will never, ever end.

dead cupid.

2009-06-24T23:48:00.000+10:00

fml.

honestly.

2009-06-22T18:29:00.002+10:00

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF ANYMORE.
NEITHER DO I REALLY CARE.

how i wish.

juicy couture.

2009-06-19T08:54:00.002+10:00

Shit my hair smells nice.
Tomorrow is my best friend's birthday, he's turning seventeen.
It makes me feel like such a baby to think all [or majority] of my friends are turning seventeen this year. I am still getting over the excitement of obtaining my Learners and turning sixteen, wow legal, and they are all moving in to the next year and waiting patiently to turn eighteen. This is shit.

My hayfever is practically killing me, and I get to go to school late today during study because I can't be bothered going to Religion & Society. It's a bullshit subject anyway.
And no I don't expect to pass it.

Oh and major milestone.

Who even thinks of this shit.

victory.

2009-06-14T01:32:00.002+10:00

Richmond Tiger's third victory of the season over West Coast Eagles, ah bliss.
Singing the song at the end of the game was the best feeling I've felt in a long time. So much great stuff has happened, and so much more shit has gone down. Really, really over the good being overrided by the bad. Puts so much into perspective and makes me realize why I'm such a pessimist...I'd like to feel sublimely happy someday. Preferably...someday soon...I'm counting on it, and I hope it's what I'm hoping for.

winter.

2009-06-08T03:39:00.000+10:00

is my bitch.

hospital.

2009-05-29T14:39:00.002+10:00

I just got out, the tag is still on me. I feel like crap from the anaesthetic, and my head is swimming. Going shopping with the girls tonight for Vesna's birthday present -tomorrow. I want a piercing and I feel like I'm going to throw up...way to ruin a perfectly fine Friday.

happiness.

2009-05-25T15:13:00.003+10:00

Football, even though Tigers suck.

Aleksandr Petrovsky, my bear.
Angry Little Girls in Love.
Socks with nice prints.
Vesna's photography.
Chocolate crossiants.
Alice in Wonderland.
Oversized jewellery.
Interesting clothes.
Frozen apple juice.
Designer House.
Black nailpolish.
Dunhill Reds.
Good books.
Boost Juice.
Green Day.
Postcards.
Coca Cola.
Piercings.
Make up.
Walking.
LA Ink.
Winter.
Dinner.
Rain.

The things that make me smile.

weekend.

2009-05-15T11:36:00.003+10:00

I don't need an excuse to put a picture of Fernando Torres, nawwww.

Today is Friday and I am actually leaving my house after a week. Going to school in about an hour to finish my art, then going home with Julia and going to "dinner".
Yay, a dinner of bottled water and cigarettes.
That actually doesn't sound half bad :|
Now I'm watching Eastern Promises.
It's basically impossible to create a better movie than this.

YAY FOR VIGGO MORTENSEN
"'Sentimental value'. I've heard of that."

let go.

2009-05-13T14:53:00.001+10:00

The other day, as I rummaged through the foreign things in my cupboard, I found a folder. I opened the folder and found a case of blank CDs, a small pouch of coins, and an envelope brimming with letters from the past. As I examined each of my findings, I was unpleasantly surprised. As I tried to play each of the CDs, I found they were scratched and ruined, and would not run. As I inspected each of the coins, I found that they were merely those of past or foreign currencies and there for dubbed as useless. As I read over the letters, I found their words held little purpose or meaning and the feelings of joy I’d once felt by reading these very words were now replaced by indifference and impassivity. I soon realized that the folder itself had meaning, as it collected the very things that were broken and beyond repair, the things that were once meaningful and now useless, the things that once held emotion and were now looked upon callously – the relationships and feelings that could not be salvaged. The folder was the part of me that bound together everything that was once there, but no longer is. And as I replaced the folder and continued rummaging through my possessions, I realized I was doing the exact thing the “folder” within me had been longing for me to do – move on.

the facts.

2009-05-07T11:58:00.002+10:00

I never took much of a liking to people, now I understand why. I love being alone. I do not know what I want to do after school, but I do want my own apartment and car. I'm interested in interior design. When I'm excited I speak so fast it's impossible to understand what I'm saying. I'm scared of fish and birds. I have ugly, tiny hands. I believe that Entourage is the Sex & The City of the male world. I'm 5'2. Burnt sugar smells amazing. I have ten piercings, eight of them in my ears. My favourite shop is Dakota 501 on Chapel Street. I was a vegetarian for six months, before the doctor told me I was anemic. I sleep with socks on. My cigarettes of choice are Dunhill Reds. I have the shittiest immune system...ever. I don't drink alcohol. I adore unusual, beautiful art, and obscure things people normally wouldn't take an interest in. My hero is Adolf Hitler.
I am me.

it's been a while.

2009-05-02T15:32:00.002+10:00

In fact, it's almost been an entire month since my last post.
So much has happened that I cannot possibly just sum it all up in words.
So I think I may start fresh.

What the shit is up ?!

I'm also in love with David Villa.
What a beautiful, beautiful man.

patriotic.

2009-04-07T14:55:00.002+10:00

I was just going through random pages on Facebook and stumbled upon a page called 'Fuck Off We're Full', enthusing Australians to satisfy their needs to attack all of us who do not identify with their 'Australian' way of thinking/acting/living. Here is what it said:

Australia - The Right to Leave!

After Sydney not wanting to offend other cultures by putting up Xmas lights...
After hearing that South Australian changed its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's license with her face covered...

Quote written by an aussie citizen and published in an Australian Newspaper:
"Immigrants, not Australians, Must ADAPT. Take it or leave it! I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."

However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia.

However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand.
This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle.

This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not spanish, lebanese, arabic, chinese, japanese, russian or any other language.
Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society,
LEARN THE LANGUAGE!

If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like 'A Fair Go', then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.

We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really dont care how you did things where you came from.
This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this.

But once you are done complaining, whining and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our National Motto, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you to advantage of one other great Australian freedom..

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE!

If you arent happy here then move on! We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So Accept the country YOU accepted.

Pretty easy really, when you think about it.

If we all pass this around or invite your friends to read this sooner or later this will get to the complainers and THEY WILL GET THE POINT!

Cheers

...I must admit, it did make me laugh.
Because:

a) You say this, yet you strive for us 'wogs' to call ourselves proud Australians. How ? We do not act, speak, look, live Australian. We do not call ourselves Australian. Our ancestors came from different lands and, granted, we do not get a say in where we're born but to an extent, get a say in where we die and what country we're willing to die for. I wonder, do people seriously go up to a Japanese boy and say 'Ha ha you're Australian ?' Or is it really just the wogs that cop it, because we 'blend in' ? There's another subtle yet overt form of racism, in our every day lives. How dare you people have the nerve to call me Australian, yet outcast me because of my heritage and, ultimately, nationality; my proud traditions, family and customs; my religion and religious beliefs; my differences to you. And I speak on behalf of the entire population in Australia who identify ourselves with our 'wog' culture. We don't get the choice to leave this country and your fucked up views of how things should be [pfft] until we turn 18 and our parents stop holding us here by our throats. And if we choose to live here, so what ? You people have no problem going over to our countries, be it for a few months, a year or forever. Fuck off, at least we don't hide our national pride.

b) Australia is a fucking Aboriginal culture - all you 'white man' Aussies are fucking Anglo Saxon. GO WORK OUT YOUR NATIONALITIES and then get back to me. You don't even have a real culture, or maybe you do - terrorizing indigenous peoples of countries after you take over and slam the BRITISH flag down in the soil. Your ancestors came here in chains, ours came here by choice, there's the difference. Go back to history class and learn something. How many years did it take for your country to apologize for nearly wiping out an entire race, a race that was here long before your people even discovered this land ? A race that KNEW how to care for the land and had cultures and morals of their own ? But that's okay, you educated them too. Now why not make your own 'Australian' race. Technically, when you tell us to go back to our countries, you should really step back and think about it - or better yet, take a step back on to the boat and sail back to Ireland or England or wherever you manage to trace your heritage back to. Fuck off, at least we can be proud of where we come from. Which links me to point C.

c) Maybe Australia should stop calling itself a multi-cultural society. How can it possibly be multi-cultural if everyone in it has to be Australian ? That doesn't exactly work. Why pride yourselves on a label you don't even deserve, if all you ever do is condemn us all to call ourselves Australian and engage in Australian lifestyles that are not only foreign, but adopted off the English anyway. Maybe we don't WANT to speak English. Maybe we're content speaking Greek, Italian, Lebanese, Spanish, Chinese, whatever the fuck we speak. Maybe we're secretly making fun of you 'true-blue' Aussies so you won't understand. Maybe we don't want to abandon our religious beliefs, or our traditions, or our cultures just to please the minority [and yes, you are a minority] and provide a positive, consistent national identity to show the world how really and truly proud we are to be Aussie. Fair enough, some of these things are a bit far fetched - we do expect that nowadays with political correctness getting taken a step too far. But for God's sake. Sought freedom ? Get off your fucking high horses. The only people who sought freedom were the illiterate, drunken fucks who stepped off those convict boats way back in the time before time began and this country would be nothing, absolutely nothing, without the outside contributions. Where would you fucks be without your goddamn souvlakis, or pizza, or all the other creature comforts you all enjoy so freely ? Nowhere, that's where. You'd be stuck in your little rut of Vegemite and Wheel of Fortune. Good fucking on yas. Fuck off, we have a culture to indulge in unlike you.

d) Don't attack us for being here, it's not our fault. If I have to have the stupid fucking 'you are the nationality of the place you're born' argument one more time, I will rip someone's head off. If I was born in China, I guarantee you a hundred dollars I would never be considered Chinese - not in a million YEARS. What makes Australia so goddamn special ? Absolutely nothing. The generation before us fucked this one up. I ask my parents what nationality they are and they say Australian...do you know how much that kills the generation before THEM ? Our generation is too different, too patriotic. And you know what ? We love it. Granted, if we were to ever go overseas they'd call us Australian and probably try to send us packing. But half of us speak our native tongue. Half of us are planning to move back to the mother country. Half of us, if not to move there, plan to stay there for a while. And half of us resent our parents every time they call us 'Australian' or tell us to 'stop being so damn patriotic for a country that doesn't love us back.' Nah geez, let's just be patriotic for a country that's trying to get rid of us Mom & Dad. Very intelligent move on your parts. So fuck off, you may have done it to the generation before us who were most likely in awe from coming here on the boat like so many of our parents did and immediately took up with the evidently-non-existent culture that surrounded them. But you'll never get anywhere with our damn generation. And if you have, I pity those children.

There you have it. And for all you who join this group - I pity you, really and truly. It just goes to show how truly hurtful this must be to see your culture sink and your country get taken over by us foreigners. Maybe we should all stop talking to you and go back to our own countries.
...Maybe you should too.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK YASELVES :D

glitter.

2009-04-05T00:30:00.002+11:00

I fucking love the stuff, and the feeling it brings.
So sparkly and...glittery.

Wow I need to think of new ways to entertain myself...roll in a massive vat of glitter.

april fools.

2009-04-01T17:40:00.003+11:00

I don't think I've played an April Fool's joke on anyone since Year 7, and I kind of miss it ?
I hate the fact that we lose contact with our childhood as soon as we reach a certain point.
Who draws the line ? When do we have to grow up ?
Do we ever have to grow up ?

Two days until holidays, and I swear to God I better play a game of hide and seek with someone my own age. It depresses me that the only people who enjoy hide and seek are those ten years my junior, who have the most impressive hiding spots like behind curtains and under beds...hardly a promising concept of fun.

The things I will always love, no matter how old I get ;
Nutella, Happy Meals, Alice in Wonderland, Dr Seuss books, stripy toe socks, hair clips,
Sour worms, hide & seek, kids meals at restaurants, paper hats, paper chatterboxes,
Nightmare before Christmas, Spyro the Dragon, Crash Bandicoot, Monsters Inc,
Backstreet Boys, glitter, Easter eggs, Halloween.

well wishing.

2009-03-29T12:47:00.002+11:00

So many people just signed in on MSN and banked up the little pop up things all the way to the top of my laptop screen, and last night was shit on so many levels.

I am now sitting and eating Dominos pizza, oh the joys of life.

williamstown festival.

2009-03-28T14:59:00.002+11:00

It's tonight.
It's probably better known as a collective event to bring together every dickhead in the western suburbs and encourage them to get drunk off their brains, get stoned off their faces, before passing out on a lovely patch of grass and waiting for the ambos to come and peel them off the ground and throw them in hospital ready to pump their stomachs from all the alcohol and god-knows-what-else they've intoxicated their bodies with.
With the always-joyful prospect of bumping into an ex, a parent or a family friend while holding a cigarette/joint/Cruiser and looking completely shitfaced whether or not you are. You look shitfaced, because everyone else around you is shitfaced, and therefore it's only natural for you to adopt the signature look of your environment. If you were surrounded by trees, you'd probably take a tree-like stance, of course. So why not imitate people who are drunk and high beyond the point of coherence ?

So why am I going again ? I suppose it beats staying at home watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

...Or is it ?

Captain Underpants. Fuck oath.

the L word.

2009-03-25T19:45:00.001+11:00

My new obsession.

such a lonely day.

2009-03-14T16:57:00.002+11:00

Wow, I have not written a blog in a while. Sorry but I've been a bit busy...screw it, I've been an apathetic bitch and I completely forgot. Right this moment I am sitting in my empty house waiting for my romantic spaghetti sauce for two to cook. Yes, I am the only person dining here tonight. I like leftovers.

My mother drove away for two and a half hours to help her boyfriend renovate his house in Sale so they can rent it out. She seemed to think it was a good idea to leave me all alone.
Well wrong on two levels Mother Dearest - one, I could have a house party and completely destroy the house; two, I could do the complete opposite and completely destroy the house out of complete boredom and as it is a more exciting and rather humane prospect as opposed to pulling my fingernails off one by one.

It's times like these I really dread being single.

Don't get me wrong, it is not like I'm seeking anyone at all. All the arguments, problems, heartache, annoying fucking shit that I cannot be bothered with, what for ? So it can end as soon as it starts ? Relationships and I have never been on the same page. I look at some of my more relationship-friendly friends and I wonder why they put themselves that. Do we really fall in love, or do we fall in love with the idea of love ? Is it even worth it in the end ? Sure you can fall in love with someone, and give them your all, and have them give you something in return, but when the relationship hits a brick wall do you raise the white flag or carry on ? How do people know when to pursue the relationship ?
Honestly, it's just bullshit.
My friend just broke up with her boyfriend and truth be told she is too good for him anyway. I don't get what she was doing with the dope in the first place. But the amount of hurt and bothersome theatrics that went on while they were together makes me wonder why people would even bother in the first place. Sure, you can learn life lessons, but if you abolish the idea of romantic relationships altogether you won't have to learn lessons for any one reason. Life lessons my ass, not having sex with someone other than your boyfriend is not an applicable life lesson. For example, nuns. How does any of this benefit them in their lives ? Don't be ridiculous, that's just an excuse to say 'Let's pretend this relationship wasn't a total waste of time.'

However I look at people like my mother who are truly happy in their relationship and genuinely want to wake up to see that one person and go to sleep looking at that same person. While all of this may make me dry retch at the thought, some people find this sweet and loving. Call me crazy or heartless [actually just call me heartless] but I just do not understand. If it's just my mind or the fact that I refuse to understand, I don't know. But sometimes, just sometimes, the happiness and companionship makes it almost look worthwhile.

And now as I look over to the stove where my amazing pasta sauce is sizzling away, I cannot help but turn over the possibilities of relationships that I've rejected. What if I hadn't ? Would I see this all in a different way, or would the probable failure of these petty links to each other make me even more bitter and adamant on the subject ? Would I open myself up easier for the sheer want of being loved, or close myself in out of fear of being hurt ? How would I see myself above everyone else ?
And how would I see the male species, oh God.
Maybe it all isn't how I see it from the outside, or inside from that matter.
Maybe companionship isn't a necessarily bleak prospect. Maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there for all of us.

Or maybe I'm just doomed to enjoy my spaghetti alone.

amusement.

2009-03-08T14:06:00.003+11:00

Someone come and entertain me.
My mother left me alone for today and tomorrow.
Steff's meant to be coming over.
But she's coming later.
Which sucks.

I HAVE NOTHING TO DO BUT LOOK UP RANDOM SHIT ON PHOTOBUCKET.

And of course, Cyanide & Happiness.

Now I'm listening to the Backstreet Boys. Charming.
Why do I even post these blogs half the time they make no sense, and the other half is just me rambling and complaining about how asexual the world is.

bring me the horizon.

2009-03-07T21:01:00.003+11:00

suicide season.

all i've done all day is watch the dark knight and name my oversized teddy bear aleksandr petrovsky - after my favourite sex & the city man.
despite the fact that he was in his 50s and had a vasectomy. he was cute.

her petrovsky

my petrovsky

disturbance.

2009-03-06T14:21:00.000+11:00

It makes me sick to believe that people will go to such measures to ensure their fifteen minutes of fame.
Reality television being the main culprit.
Why and how can people exploit themselves to the point where it is almost humanely impossible to find even the most utter shred of respect for themselves, yet expect the public to treat them with the same dignity as they would a regular joe walking the street, minding their business ?
How can people actually sit back and watch themselves become a complete fool in the public eye ?
Lastly, but certainly not least...how do people live with themselves after they exploit themselves so explicitly and disrespectfully to themselves ?

.....lulz.

one:

2009-03-03T16:25:00.000+11:00

when people call celebrities 'stars'.
there is nothing 'star-like' about them.
are they giant balls of gas and flame ?
are they five-pointed shapes ?
are they twinkling dots in the night sky ?

no. they are people.

regular people who basically got plucked off the street one day to act in movies, or sing on cds, or be filthy rich for nothing, or take too many drugs and survive, or show their private parts all over the internet.

star (noun - stär) 1) a. A self-luminous celestial body consisting of a mass of gas held together by its own gravity in which the energy generated by nuclear reactions in the interior is balanced by the outflow of energy to the surface, and the inward-directed gravitational forces are balanced by the outward-directed gas and radiation pressures.

star.

not a star.

stars.

not stars.

star.

not a star.

the end.

autumn.

2009-03-02T17:29:00.000+11:00

and i am sick once again.
welcome march.

i found it funny.
no scrap that, it's fucking hilarious.

party people.

2009-02-28T08:55:00.000+11:00

Yep. That's us.
Last night was Shelby's 16th and it was officially one of the best parties ever known to man.
Not because anyone was drunk or high off their face, or because people had contests 'who can puke the fastest' or because people were having sex in alleyways.
No, this was great in everyone's opinion because nothing was broken, nothing was stolen, no fights erupted, nobody got [too] drunk and there was no need for the cops to arrive.
It was just everyone who knew and loved Shelby [well, most people...] gathered together to sing her happy birthday with a tower of pink cupcakes.
I didn't buy her a card so to accompany her deck I wrote her a note on a shitty piece of A4 paper which she thought was hilarious and I'll be fucked if she doesn't keep that.
And I also made friends with someone I used to hate in a matter of minutes just because she bothered to talk to me. I think we were both pleasantly surprised.
Only one thing dampened my evening but that can go unsaid; the entire event was a success and Shelby was so happy.
Julia's entire deck got wasted by the end of the night, I think she had like three left or something? And Shelby and I had full decks...the effects of smoking reds, nobody wants to share with you :D And there's a certain boy I really could have seen myself with but I think he was more interested in my friend which kind of breaks my heart to think about as I never wanted to lose him in the first place, but that's okay, it always happens to me. I should be used to it by now.
It still kind of stings though but oh well. What does he care?
I found someone else I'd like to kiss, pity he's supposedly with a friend of mine and none of the girls will let me so much as gaze in his direction. Thanks for the heads up guys. Not.
Oh aaaaaand Amanda peed on the kerb and it went all the way down to the road...and the best bit is she wasn't even drunk.
And we all hopped on some random van in the middle of nowhere to take pictures before Amy and Brittney decided to hop into some random guy's car for a drive [Amanda and I later found out that everyone knew him except us].
Tosser pulled me aside and had a lovely chat with me, I honestly thought he was drunk but he said he was sober, he seemed sober too so maybe come to think of it he really was sober.
Everyone said their goodbyes at the end of the night and went off home, some people casually wandering around the streets like 'what the fuck am I still doing here?'
And us girls invaded Shelby's kitchen to eat dry chicken skewers and cold potatoes made by yours truly, which we'd saved all night from the masses so we could salvage them later.
We then piled into Shelby's bedroom and got warm as by that time it was freezing and we were all in attire such as singlets and...shit.
Then Sean off his tits of course argued with his mother to drive to Maccas and then the city and gave her an ultimatum - cheer up or go to bed.
That was definitely the highlight of the entire night.

Happy 16th Birthday Shelby
Happy 16th Birthday Ruth
Happy 17th Birthday Amba
Happy 16th Birthday me :)

sweet sixteen.

2009-02-27T10:42:00.000+11:00

happy birthday to me, hahahaha.

it was my birthday yesterday, and between getting my learners permit and going to dinner there was not much time to write a blog up.
i had a chill day, nothing special. didn't feel like a birthday but then again it hasn't felt like my birthday since i turned thirteen.
i'm scared of growing up, hence i hate birthdays. i hate the joyfulness the day brings for people who really couldn't care less about you except that one particular day on which you were supposedly born - how many other people were born on your birthday ? and you should only rightfully have a minute to yourself, the minute that you were born on. i was born on 11:58 pm. i stayed up waiting for it so i could wish myself a happy sixteenth birthday.
and the presents, the cake, the candles, and that fucking song - when did it all become necessary for these superficial supposedly-joyful extras to be present on a birthday ? 'you can't have a birthday without the birthday song', screw you i can have a birthday any way i want it. it's my birthday after all. how can people dictate to me how i wish to celebrate my birthday ? apparently sixteen years old is a milestone. well my prime choice to celebrate this milestone was to sit in my room all day and watch dvds.
but no. i had to attend school, pretend to be overwhelmed by the well-wishes and happiness in the room when i only wanted to tolerate it from people i spoke to more than twice a year, went to get my learners and crapped my pants to find out i'd scored a 94% and i'd gotten them [which is what i REALLY wanted for my birthday, i'll admit], was taken to dinner against my own will [i should have attended the football, but not really - richmond lost to collingwood a measly 97-51] and ate the most disgraceful excuse for pasta i've ever mustered up. the upside to it was having a best friend like steff, who sent me roses and an oversized teddy bear and came with me to the atrocious dinner.

this is the furthest i can get from my next birthday. an entire year away.

shrove tuesday.

2009-02-24T18:38:00.001+11:00

Well today was Shrove Tuesday and we made pancakes in religion class.
I think I consumed roughly 152 grams of sugar from golden syrup alone, give or take a few grams.
I've been carrying the golden syrup around with me all day.
It made me feel higher than an airoplane...oh how I fear those long vessels of doom.
I was so hyperactive today then of course what comes up must go down...of course right before I entered my Legal SAC.
I think I went alright; for a kid who didn't study.
Oh and I just spent a few hours with Laura and Dean, my favourites. Fiona joined for a while. Fiona and I discovered you can put golden syrup with practically anything from McDonalds, and it will taste fine. Reeeeeally fine.
We also discovered that no matter how hard you throw her phone on the sidewalk it will always work :|
Two days to go.

The other picture got deleted so I had to find a new one. I think it's obvious that I like cupcakes ?

reality of.

2009-02-23T22:34:00.000+11:00

Today I got to thinking. We see God as the almighty, divine power who holds our lives in His hands, our destinies set out before Him and the maps of our lives written by Him; yet we are still plagued by our every day decisions made possible by the free will God has willingly given us. How exactly does this work ? If God does not make a set fate for us, and allows us to make decisions for ourselves and unfold our own destinies, how is it that He can know where we are headed and basically dictate how our lives will unfold ? Why do people say 'It was their time to die, God wanted it this way...' if all of our actions are just a figment/product of the outcome of our free will and our choices ? And clearly, there are some people in this world [perhaps somewhat like myself] who see no point in life. They see life as an unwilling, pointless occurrence and that their existence will serve no great purpose in the world which will supposedly be saved by God someday but no doubt end anyway. Why do we want to achieve so much in our lives when it's obvious when we die our accomplishments, blemishes, failures and hopes will wash away with our skin and bones. Notice how I did not place a question mark after the previous remark; it was a rhetorical question. Why would God give life to those who do not want it, and take the lives of those who do ? How is it their free will to die and our free will to live ? Considering that Christians are not expected to believe in predetermined fate yet believe that God has a set plan for us and it will unfold as we go by day-to-day routines and hurdles seems almost absurd. And if it is true, and we do have a set path, we are never revealed this plan - if it were truly in our free will we'd be exposed to it and realize the outcomes and consequences our possible choices will make; we would be exposed to the reality of our choices, rather than kept in the dark and make decisions based on blind opinion. And if it false, God does not have a set plan for us, meaning He does not know what/how our lives will unfold and become and therefore He does not know everything, making Him less divine and more imperfect. Are we living to fulfill God's plans, or are God's plans existing to fulfill us ?

new life, new love, new start.

2009-02-22T17:44:00.000+11:00

i am sophia and i am not here for your entertainment.
i am fifteen, sixteen in four days.
i never want to grow up.
i live in melbourne, australia and i hate it here.
i think i hate it because everyone i hate lives here.
i'm yet to hate anyone in any other states or places.
my toenails are always painted black.
i hate the feel of eyelashes without mascara.
alcohol repels me, so very much.
i idolize marla singer.
i love to draw, write and talk, just like most people.
i love to argue about why things are the way they are and the relevance of life altogether.
i'm very pessimistic and cynical, and say things i really shouldn't say out loud often.
i wear two crosses around my neck.
i enjoy rearranging and redecorating my space.
i wear glasses for reading but i usually can't be bothered taking them off.
i don't make plans for the future.
my favourite flavour chewing gum is blueberry.
i have ten piercings - i want many more - and no tattoos yet.
i count adolf hitler as the most influential man of all time.
alice in wonderland is my favourite disney movie.
money makes me happy yet angry at once.
i always smell like chanel chance.
i prefer winter, because it's never usually seen as a beautiful time.
i find splendor in the oddest things.
i adore getting butterflies in my stomach.
i'm never sure of anything.
especially myself.

small imperfections in an otherwise perfect world, where there's no such thing as perfection.